


Troian

by BettyHT



Series: Troian [1]
Category: Bonanza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 17:23:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16045097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BettyHT/pseuds/BettyHT
Summary: First story in the Troian seriers:  A secret love affair that Adam has leads to an awful complication and begins a chain of events that spirals into a dark chapter for the family.





	Troian

Troian

Prologue

As Adam climbed the steps to the second floor apartment in the fashionable building recently constructed in San Francisco, he had to smile. His 'Helen' certainly seemed to always be in on the latest trends. Her message to him that she had found a nicer place was certainly correct. He wondered what the neighbors thought of the dusty cowboy dressed all in black trudging up the steps with his rifle in one hand and his saddlebags in the other with that pistol rig still prominently displayed strapped to his thigh. At least Hoss had taken Sport for him to the livery stable so he didn't have to worry about the saddle and other gear. Hoss had slapped him on the shoulder on the sidewalk down below only a moment earlier, grinned, and left him to his couple of days of pleasure. Hoss undoubtedly was headed to a big meal and then to satisfy other big appetites he might have. They planned to meet in three days in the morning to head back home. After trading a few earthy comments about exchanging riding of one kind for riding of another altogether, Hoss had laughed the big belly laugh of his and then gone on his way. After a long cattle drive, the two brothers were ready for some time off and some pleasure to make all the aches and pains of weeks of driving cattle fade from their memories.

At the door, Adam didn't have to knock for she had been waiting for him. The door swung open and he was pulled into the apartment and into a passionate kiss with no concern on her part for the smell of horses, trail drives, or the stubble on his face or dust on his clothing. His clothing didn't matter long because she helped him out of those right there by the front door. Their lovemaking took place furiously on her new rug. Afterwards, she leaned on his chest catching her breath, and sighed deeply.

"I suppose I should have let you have a bath first, but I missed you so much."

"Lady, you can greet me at the door like that anytime. You never have to regret that. However if there is the offer of a bath in there now, I would appreciate one."

There was a bath, and dinner, and more passionate lovemaking that night. For the rest of the short stay, Adam had all the pleasures he wanted. They went to restaurants, to the theater, and when they went to her apartment, they made love as often as possible. He was reluctant to leave at the end of the three days, but knew he had to go. Life was not a pleasure palace. There were duties and responsibilities. There was only one serious time when he was with her. She asked him about an investment about which she had been approached. He told her it was a scam and to stay away from it.

"You don't know who you're dealing with. Those men have fleeced any number of investors who are far more experienced in such things than you are."

"But they have made some major business ventures too."

"They have, but those are ones from which they are the ones who profit. They use those to entice others to invest in their risky or downright foolish schemes and then walk away with the excess money when the whole thing falls apart. Only a fool would risk investing with them."

Although he thought he had convinced her, what Adam didn't know was that he had convinced her to try to prove him wrong for she had been insulted by his insinuation that she was foolish, inexperienced, and in effect, ignorant. By the next time she saw him, she was going to show him that she had made a sizeable profit. At least, that was the plan.

At the livery stable, when Adam met Hoss, he got some light ribbing from his middle brother. When he didn't respond in kind, Hoss asked what was wrong.

"She's a lot of fun to be with, but there's no future there for me except for that. She tells me that I'm the only one, but as easily as she's fallen on her back for me, I can't believe that. If there's no trust, how can there be love. She told me this time that she loves me. I know she was disappointed that I didn't say the same to her, but I couldn't."

"Cause ya don't or 'cause ya didn't want to say it?"

Clearly Adam didn't want to say what he had to admit then. "I don't love her, not the way I need to love her to plan a future with her. What I need to do now is find a way to end it without hurting her. I don't want to hurt her. She's done nothing to deserve that."

"How long ya gonna wait to do that and string her along?"

That made him defensive. "I didn't string her along. Until now, I wasn't sure that I couldn't love her. For a long time, I thought it would develop. We have a lot in common."

"But it didn't work out?"

"No, it didn't. She doesn't expect to see me for another three months at least until I'm back here for the meetings in the fall with the railroad companies over the timber contracts. I'll have to take care of it then."

Chapter 1

Sitting in his hotel room in San Francisco, Ben was a bit perturbed with his eldest son but knew he had no reason for it. It was illogical. There was no way that Adam could control the weather and the delay in the meetings in Denver. He couldn't have foreseen that the track would need to be repaired and his train would be delayed. Adam had offered to try to make stage connections to get to these darn meetings with the railroads over the timber contracts, but Ben had known that he might not make it. Therefore he had magnanimously wired Adam that he would handle the negotiations himself and Adam could get himself home to take care of the ledgers and other paperwork that Ben would have to forego in order to get to San Francisco in time for the meetings. However, he had forgotten how exhausting those meetings could be with the endless numbers and board feet and miles and gradients and on and on. Adam seemed never to get bored with numbers and calculations, but his father didn't have the same patience. Now all he wanted was a nice relaxing evening and a good dinner, but he had no one with whom to dine so it was going to be a lonely evening. He didn't have the social contacts in the city that he once did and that Adam cultivated for himself. Resigned to a lonely dinner, a boring evening, and then endless talk at those meetings the next day, Ben heaved himself from his chair to dress for dinner. There was a knock on his door though that startled him a bit because as far as he knew, no one knew he was in the city except his business rivals and the representatives of the railroads that might want his timber. He opened the door to find a somewhat distraught but thoroughly beautiful young woman standing there. She seemed surprised to see him.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought when they said that Mister Cartwright was here that it was Adam. You must be his father. I can see the resemblance. I didn't mean to disturb you. I'm sorry. I should go."

"No, no, you're clearly upset, and you must be a friend of Adam's or you wouldn't be here. Come in."

"All right. My name is Troian. Surely Adam must have mentioned me by now."

"Ah, no, but my son doesn't share too much of his private life with the rest of us. He likes to keep things quiet until he's ready to tell us something and often that's only a very little unless he gets very upset. I know that he has many friends and acquaintances in San Francisco and elsewhere but there are few he mentions to us other than in general terms unless they visit or we meet them here or there."

Quite surprised by that, Troian managed to keep her surprise mostly hidden but Ben did detect that she was uneasy about something although he misinterpreted what that was. She wasn't sure how much to tell him, but her fear made her want to tell him everything, or at least as much as she could tell him and still expect him to help her. She did wait though until he insisted that she divulge what was bothering her so much.

"I don't know if I should tell you. I'm in danger, and if I tell you, then perhaps you would be in danger too. I don't think that Adam would like that."

"If you're in danger, why don't you go to the authorities?"

"The men who have threatened me control the authorities." She named them then and Ben understood her predicament.

"Why don't you tell me what the problem is and about the threat. I could see what I could do to help you."

"It's a rather long and involved story of a mess I got myself into over the last three months."

"I'll order dinner to be brought up here. You can tell me over dinner if that's all right with you. I haven't eaten yet, and after today, I need a good meal."

"I can see where Adam gets his gentlemanly traits. You, sir, are the most cultured gentleman I think that I have ever had the privilege of meeting. Yes, I would be most grateful for dinner and a chance to lighten my burden by telling someone. I'm not sure how you could help, but perhaps you could give me some idea of what my next step could be."

Leaving for a few minutes then, Ben ordered dinner. When he returned, he found Troian sitting in a chair away from the window.

"Do you think you've been followed?"

"I think it's possible. I'm trying to be careful."

"You have a very unusual name."

"My father loved the classics of Greece and Rome. He wanted to name a son Troy but never had a son. He had to settle for a female version after all the daughters he had. I'm the youngest and sole surviving daughter."

"But you're so young to have lost all your family already."

"My oldest sister was lost at sea with her husband and family. They took a ship from New Orleans to Nicaragua. They didn't arrive. A hurricane came ashore days later. We can only assume their ship was caught in it and went under. My second sister died in childbirth. It's not something one is supposed to talk about in polite company, but that's what happened. My third sister came west with her husband and children well before I did. Their wagon train was dogged with cholera outbreaks and she and her children succumbed to one of those. When I came out here with my husband, we managed to survive all such calamities and then he slipped in the street one day five years ago and was run over by a hansom."

"That's terrible."

"It was, but at least he had made some sound investments, and I was left to live a comfortable life although a rather lonely one."

"But you have made friends such as my son, Adam."

"Yes, I have." Troian had to wonder what he would think if he knew the rest of that story, but for the time being, she needed his help and the rest of the story would only make that more difficult. "He told me not to make this investment, but I thought I knew more than he did. After all, I live here and thought I knew more about these businessmen than he did." Ben couldn't control a smirk at that. She noticed but continued because she deserved at least that and probably more. "I invested, and as he had warned me, it was a scam. I lost everything that I invested, but the worst part was how they had set it up. They sued me for losses and my personal wealth was also at risk and I lost everything else. It still wasn't enough for them."

"But it has to be enough. They can't take more than bankrupting a person."

"Oh, but you see that's the mess I'm in. They have an older gentleman they want me to marry. They say he's worth a lot of money and I can marry him and then they can get the money from me because I'll be wealthy again. Oh, Mister Cartwright, I believe they mean great harm to that man and then to me."

"Why would you think that? So far all they have shown is immense greed."

"Because they have threatened my life if I refuse to do as they say." She paused to see if he would believe her. It was the truth, but she knew it sounded outlandish. She was afraid he would think she was exaggerating or even worse, lying. He didn't think either though.

"I'll help you. First, we need to find you a safe place to stay. It wouldn't be proper for you to stay in my room here, but I can get you a room here at the hotel without putting your name in the register. You stay right here and I'll go take care of that immediately."

With Ben's gentlemanly instincts to protect a lady kicked into full operation, there was no stopping him. Troian had a room that night and until the issues were settled, a meeting with Ben's lawyers the next day to find a way out of her dilemma, and then a meeting with the lawyers and the men to whom she owed money to settle everything above board and finally. The men had been willing to try to use her in a scheme but not willing to take on the establishment of the city nor a man as formidable as Ben Cartwright with the resources upon which he could call. Soon Troian was in the clear. Ben helped her recover some of her assets as well although the money invested was mostly lost, but he also made sure she kept her decent apartment.

Overall, Troian was lucky not to have lost far more but knew too that it was going to be difficult to explain all of this to Adam. Ben made her an offer to visit him on the Ponderosa and she agreed to do that soon because she wanted to see Adam. So engrossed in her own problems, she didn't see that Ben was becoming interested in her romantically and that the invitation was to see if she would reciprocate. Things were going to get even more complicated, but all Troian could feel was relief at that point that Ben had helped her out of her dire straits. She planned to worry about the other issues later, and it was only after he had left that she began to think about some of the things he had said and wonder about his feelings. He had called her 'My dear' most of the time especially over the past few days they had been together. He had made a point of taking her arm and guiding her steps when they walked. He liked to place his hand over her hand when they sat and talked. Grateful for his support and encouragement, she wondered now if there was more to it. If there was, she made an assumption that he and Adam would discuss what had happened, and that Ben would realize that he couldn't have feelings for a woman for whom his son had feelings. She didn't understand Ben well enough at all nor his son.

Chapter 2

The more that Troian thought about the situation, the more she wanted to speak with Adam and as soon as she could especially with new developments. She decided to write him a long letter explaining what she thought about what had happened with his father and asked him to explain to his father that he loved her so that his father would know to step aside especially as his interest in her was so new. She also told him though that she was going to take up his father's invitation to visit because she wished to speak with Adam not knowing that he had every intention of ending their relationship. Then without considering how slow mail delivery could be and that Adam might not even be there to receive her letter in a timely fashion, Troian packed her things and set out for the Ponderosa more concerned with her issues than what issues she might create by arriving on the ranch unannounced or with little advance notice. She hadn't been out of the city in years and had never thought she would want to leave it and had told Adam that. However, as she traveled and got away from the crowds, the smells, and the general unclean nature of the city, she began to appreciate the tranquil beauty of mountains, green grass, and rolling hills. She definitely appreciated the clean air free of the many smells that assaulted one in the cities. One night, unable to sleep, she stepped out onto her hotel balcony in the town where they had stopped and noticed how quiet it was and that one could see the stars so easily. She smiled and thought that perhaps it wouldn't be so bad living in Nevada and visiting the cities as Adam did having the best of both worlds.

Unfortunately for Troian, she assumed that Adam's unwillingness to profess his love for her was based on her oft repeated claim that she never wanted to move from the city to what she had called the wilderness. She had disdainfully referred to Nevada that way often enough that he didn't talk about his home after a while. Regretting that immensely, she made a resolution to make amends for that now that she realized how much in error she was on that count. However she didn't know that Adam didn't trust her love for him and that he didn't trust that he was the only one for her either. That she had so easily drawn the romantic interest of his father was going to reinforce those doubts for him. She traveled along blissfully unaware of the mess which she was going to create and then into which she was going to thrust herself and enmesh two men for whom she cared a great deal, one she loved with all her being and for the other, she felt great gratitude and respect.

On the ranch, Ben had little chance to talk with Adam. There was some quick business talk as Adam went over the accounts and all that he had done while his father was gone and Ben went through the contracts he had brought back. However there was a problem at the timber camps and Adam was going there to work on those issues and wasn't planning to be back for at least a week. The few gentle probes that Ben made to see if Adam knew Troian got nowhere because Ben didn't name her only asking Adam about any friends to whom he had given advice on financial matters recently in San Francisco. Adam couldn't recall any offhand and let the conversation drop. His mind was on the problems at the timber camps and he never even thought of the brief conversation with Troian about the investment that he had told her to avoid. To him that wasn't investment advice but a warning about a scam. He never guessed at what his father was hinting and let more pressing matters have his attention. Ben probed a bit too about Adam's friend Helen who had been mentioned briefly in the past but got nothing on that either as it was clear Adam didn't want to talk about her. He rarely wanted to talk about women he was seeing so that wasn't unusual but there was an edge to his comment so Ben assumed things were not going well in that relationship and sighed in resignation. Someday he wanted to see Adam find a woman he could love but each promising one ended like this with his son grouchy about her and then it was over.

That night, Adam was engrossed in studying maps of their timberlands as well as the requirements for the contracts they had to meet. He studied all of those for a few hours making copious notes until he bid the others good night and headed up to bed early. Ben watched him go and wondered if he had purposely tried to avoid talking to him about his friends in San Francisco for some reason. It was never easy with Adam to know what he was thinking. In this case, Adam wasn't thinking about San Francisco at all, but Ben was obsessed with thoughts of the young woman who had so enchanted him. He hadn't heard anything from her but still hoped she would come to visit so that he would have a chance to see if a relationship could develop between the two of them.

Ben never got a chance to discuss Troian with Adam but he did end up discussing her in general terms with Hoss and Joe as they worked that next day. Both were surprised and had questions about her. Ben told them how she had come to him thinking that he was Adam but how he had helped her.

"And she didn't try to get no money from ya or nothing?"

"No, Hoss, she wasn't trying to get money from me. She knew Adam and thought he might be able to help her with these men because he had been the one to warn her about them. Not once did she ever ask me for money. I did help her get her money back from them or as much of it as could be retrieved. She did take a substantial loss with the investment that she made, but luckily her husband left her a good amount when he passed. She'll be fine as long as she doesn't do anything foolish like that again."

"Is she pretty, Pa?" To Joe, of course, that was one of the most important things.

"Joe, there are more important things than that with a woman, but, yes, she is very pretty. She has brown hair with lots of curls, deep green eyes, and a wonderful smile. Her voice is deeper than that of most women but sounds like she's singing when she speaks. She is thoroughly enchanting."

"Gosh, Pa, it sounds like you really fell for this one. I'm surprised you didn't bring her home and tell Hoss and Adam and me that you were married, for real this time."

"Joseph, I am not an impulsive schoolboy. I did invite her to come for a visit though."

"I don't know, Pa. That sounds at least a little bit impulsive."

Joe giggled then but Hoss was looking worried. Of the women Adam knew in San Francisco, there was only one Hoss knew who fit that description, and if it was the same one, then there was likely going to be a problem and most likely a big problem because it sounded like their Pa was falling in love with the woman that Adam had been seeing for quite some time. But Adam had made up his mind to end that relationship and she didn't know that yet. If his father had invited her to the Ponderosa, there was going to one big mess if she showed up. He didn't say much but mostly smiled and acted as if he was amused at his father and younger brother trading quips about the situation even if he was anything but amused. He wished that he could talk with Adam. Four days later, he wished that even more.

Two days after Ben had talked to his sons about Troian, her letter to Adam arrived. However, without a return address, no one there knew who the letter was from. They put the letter in Adam's room and assumed it was nothing too important. As Troian rode to the Ponderosa in her rented carriage, she was wondering how Adam had reacted to her letter though of course not realizing he had never received it and that he and his father had never discussed her. When she pulled into the yard of the Ponderosa, Ben came out of the house to see who had arrived. He was overjoyed to see Troian. She was shocked at his response to her as he helped her from the carriage and wrapped his arms around her in a hug that lasted far too long for a friendly greeting and his arms pressed the two of them together far too closely for being only friends. Once they parted, Troian smiled and tried to offset her surprise at his greeting by being lighthearted about it.

"Ben, I see you do mean it when you tell someone they're welcome to visit."

"I can't tell you how pleased I am to see you here." Hoss and Joe came out of the house then. "Let me introduce you to two of my sons. This is my youngest son, Joe, and this is my middle son, Hoss. We were having lunch. Would you like to join us?"

"That would be nice. It was a long ride out here. I got directions in town but more than once, I thought I must have taken a wrong turn or two because it took so long. I had no idea the Ponderosa was so far from town."

"It isn't actually so far. You were on the Ponderosa for at least half of the trip. It's a big ranch. Now, come inside. You must be warm, tired, and hungry. Hoss, could you get her bag, please." With a proprietary arm around her waist, Ben escorted a disconcerted Troian into the house with Joe grinning in appreciation and Hoss looking worried. Joe noticed.

"What's wrong? She's pretty, Pa likes her, and she's not after his money."

"She's ah, a friend of Adam's. He might find this a bit, ah, uncomfortable." Hoss already did feel ill at ease having seen Adam kiss the woman on occasion and knowing what likely went on in private between her and Adam. Now seeing his father with her made him decidedly uncomfortable the more that he thought about it especially the way his father acted with her.

"Ah, heck, Adam has a lot of friends. It shouldn't make a difference. He should be happy for Pa too. We should all be happy for Pa."

Joe turned to head into the house then as if anything more that Hoss might say wasn't important. Hoss had nothing left to say to him anyway so it didn't matter, but he definitely wished he could talk to Adam, and he did know that he needed to talk to Adam soon and before he got home to walk into this situation. That night at dinner, Hoss brought up what he thought might be a solution for him.

"Pa, I was thinking that it might be nice ifn I went up to the timber camps to help out ole Adam so he could get done faster and maybe get on home a bit sooner seeing as how we got a friend of his here now."

"Hoss, that sounds like a wonderful idea, but what about the work you have to do here?"

Looking over at Joe, Hoss raised his eyebrows as if to ask. Joe looked disgusted but nodded. "All right, I'll make sure everything gets done."

"Thanks, little brother. It's good to know your brothers can count on you when they need ya."

"Well, keep on calling me little brother and that's not going to last."

"Now, you two, let's keep this polite. We have a guest."

The rest of the dinner conversation was light. After dinner, Ben asked Troian if she wanted to take a walk to see the Ponderosa outside. Earlier, she had spent her time getting settled in her room and had taken a nap after her trip. Then with Hoss and Joe there, she and Ben hadn't had any time to speak privately. Ben hoped to remedy that with a walk outside. Joe smirked at the offer his father made and wondered at the very serious expression Hoss had. After Ben and Troian left the house, Joe asked Hoss about why he looked that way.

"I'm still worried about how Adam is going to react to all of this."

"Well, he better be happy for Pa because anything else is only going to make trouble."

"Mebbe so, but he'll do what's he's gonna do."

"You make that sound like Adam isn't going to like Pa and Troian together. There's isn't anything else that I ought to know, is there?"

"If there's more to tell, Adam will be the one to tell. Troian is his friend."

Outside, Ben walked with Troian until he had made a full circuit of the grounds, and then he pulled her to a stop in the garden behind the house. "Troian, I have to tell you something. I know you're probably not ready to respond, and you don't have to. I understand, but I want you to know that I think I'm falling in love with you. I thought you should know that."

Hearing the words she longed to hear from Adam coming from his father instead shocked Troian so much she couldn't respond. She wouldn't have been able to find words to express what she was feeling at that moment and couldn't have said anything to hurt Ben after all he had done for her. Tears came to her eyes though. He saw that, and interpreted it to mean a depth of emotion on her part for him that wasn't there. She couldn't know that either. The complex mess had fully engulfed both of them. Both were emotionally charged as they returned to the house, but Troian was nearly distraught although hiding it well while Ben was overjoyed and trying not to be obvious about it. Once inside, Troian asked to be excused for an early bedtime claiming exhaustion from all the travel. She was exhausted but not for that reason. Ben got some teasing from Joe but parried it well. He did notice how quiet Hoss was and wondered at that.

Chapter 3

Dropping his long handled hatchet and nearly injuring his foot in the process, Adam turned to Hoss and shouted. "She what?" He had been marking trees for cutting when Hoss had come up to him to tell him that he had something that he needed to know. Now Hoss had to repeat it as soon as Adam regained his balance and stood glaring at his middle brother challenging him to repeat what he had said.

"Troian came to the house. Pa invited her."

"Why the hell would Pa invite her to the house?"

"It's a long story, and before you hurt yourself, maybe you oughta sit on down and let me tell it to ya. It's why I'm here. I came up here to tell ya what's going on. I told Pa I was coming up here to help you so you could come home early. I figured you might want to when I told you everything that's been going on or at least as much as what I know." So Hoss told the whole story as he knew it, which was primarily from their father's point of view, and told him too what Hoss knew and had observed at the house.

When Hoss finished, Adam had a few questions but had already surmised the answers. He wanted confirmation though. "You think Pa is falling in love with her and she's not telling him no. Meanwhile, she's waiting for me to come home so she can talk to me, but she doesn't know what I'm going to tell her. So she's playing both of us and hoping to land one?"

"I dunno. It could be that. Or maybe she didn't know Pa was feeling what he was feeling 'cause she looked right surprised at how he was acting. When she got there and he looked like a puppy in love, she seemed kinda surprised. She don't seem to be encouraging him ifn you know what I mean. It's more like she ain't saying anything to be mean to him to discourage him. Oh, I know it sounds almost the same, but dadburnit, it ain't. It's like she don't know what to do about him."

"Maybe she thinks I'll come home and take care of it for her."

"Yeah, I was thinking that too."

"That she was thinking that or that I should take care of it?"

"Well, kinda both of them things, I guess. This is kind of a tough spot for Pa not knowing that the two of you are, well, you know."

"Were, not are. It's over. This only makes that definite. I can't believe she did this especially without telling me first."

"I was thinking on that too when I was riding up here. There's a letter waiting on you at home. We picked it up in town a couple of days before she got here, and it coulda been there a bit until we got it. It looks like it mighta been written by a woman by the way the name's written out. Maybe that letter is from her and she might be wonderin' why you ain't there to talk with her ifn she did write to you."

"That's a lot of ifs."

"It's why I come up here. I figure to help you get this all done so you can come on back home and try to clean up this whole mess before Pa gets himself even more tied up with her. You're the one with a lot more of the answers than we got."

With a few expletives, Adam grabbed his hatchet again and began attacking the trees as if he meant them harm. Hoss followed along behind for a short time until Adam burned out the worst of his temper. Then the two worked in tandem for the rest of the day until it was too dark to continue but they did get most of the trees marked. They guessed they could finish the next morning if started at first light, and if they then rode hard enough, they could get home by the following evening. Under the circumstances, both were willing to do that. Neither slept that well that night though despite the physical exertion of the day. The work, the ride, and the lack of sleep were a bad combination and certainly didn't do any good for Adam's temperament to arrive home exhausted by the combination of all three. When he saw Troian as she came out of the house with Ben and Joe to greet them, about all he could do was snarl a greeting before saying he needed to take care of his horse and then get cleaned up. He could see that his father was upset by his attitude, but frankly, he didn't care much at that point. He had seen the way his father stood close by Troian in an obvious proprietary stance, and it had irritated him almost as much as her being on the Ponderosa in the first place. Hoss sighed and his shoulders slumped in defeat as he realized that it was too late to prevent the trouble he had hoped to avoid. He knew there was going to be some kind of turmoil in his family and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He had to hope it was a thunderstorm and not a tornado. At dinner, the conversation only reinforced the conclusion he had drawn that it was more likely going to be the devastation of a tornado and tear them apart.

"So, Adam, I was surprised that you weren't here when I arrived."

"I might have been if I have known you were coming or I might have been hundreds of miles away too."

Taken aback by that response, at first, Troian said nothing. Ben was about to say something about his son's sarcastic response but was forestalled by Troian's answer. "I sent a letter to let you know what had happened and that I was accepting your father's invitation to visit. I thought you would be pleased."

"I saw a letter on my bureau when I was getting clean clothing. I didn't have a chance to read it. It wouldn't have made much of a difference. It didn't arrive soon enough for me to send you a message telling you not to come."

"Adam, that's enough. I invited Troian to come here, and I expect you to treat her with respect. If you do not wish her to be here, that's your choice, but she is my guest, and you will treat her with all the courtesy that is extended to anyone that is a guest here. Is that clear?"

Staring defiantly at his father for a moment, Adam left no question that he was going to comply under protest. "Very well. And how long is your guest going to be here?"

Reaching over to place his hand over Troian's, Ben got a steely look from Adam. Hoss did his best not to react, but Joe was smiling. "How long Troian will be a guest here hasn't been determined yet. We will discuss that and let all of you know when we know. That will have to be good enough for now."

For her part, Troian was staring at Adam pleading with her eyes for him to explain to his father about them. She didn't react at all to Ben's hand covering hers. Hoss wondered if she was even aware that his father had done that. She stared at Adam a moment longer until Adam abruptly stood announcing that he was tired and was going to his room. He asked to be excused but turned and left before anyone had a chance to respond. All four of them watched in silence as Adam climbed the stairs and disappeared around the corner at the top.

"Damn, he got ornery up at that timber camp."

"Joseph, watch your language. We have a lady at the table."

"Uh, sorry, I guess I forget that when I'm thinking about Adam being such a jackass."

"Joseph!"

"Uh, sorry, again, and for the same reason. I won't say anything more right now."

"That's good because you have said quite enough already." Turning his attention to Troian, Ben asked her to walk with him again to talk. "After Adam's poor reaction, I think there are some things we should discuss." Although Troian wasn't in full agreement on that, she was polite and agreed to walk with Ben. Once outside though, Ben had his speech ready. "I'm afraid that my son might be jealous. He knows me well, and he's probably already guessed what I am about to admit to you. Troian, I don't only think I'm falling in love with you. I am already in love with you. I want you to know that." Shocked, Troian didn't respond at all. "I know that may be a surprise to you. I haven't been clear in my intentions, but I want to remedy that now. You don't need to respond. You have all the time you need to think about this, but please consider the possibility. We get on well together. I think you could be happy here, and I think we could do well together. For now, all I ask is that you don't reject the idea outright. Can you give me that, please?"

Nodding in agreement and speechless, Troian was more determined than ever to speak to Adam. He needed to speak to his father soon in her estimation for it seemed that things were getting way out of control because after all that Ben had done for her, she couldn't hurt him and she did care for him. She guessed that she could manage to speak to Adam during the night for she doubted very much that he would be sleeping soundly after all that had happened while the others would likely be sleeping well. Then she thought about Hoss whom she had met previously and thought that he too might be having a somewhat restless night wondering what was happening within his family. She didn't know why Adam had not spoken to his father to clear up this mess but hoped she could get that answer and his agreement to do so by the next day hopefully. She knew Ben was talking a bit more but only parts of it were registering. He must have noticed because he finally told her that he knew that he had shaken her up with his pronouncement and would let her have the rest of the evening to herself. She was profoundly grateful for that and that he didn't attempt to kiss her or do anything else that would have led to an awkward situation or truly to make an awkward situation worse. She had known that he seemed a bit infatuated with her, but she had not taken his romantic interest seriously thinking it only a harmless dalliance on his part. Suddenly she realized how naïve she had been about that and how she had created a terrible mess. Worried now more than before, she could see why Adam was so angry with her if he had recognized that in his father and thought that she had encouraged it. She knew she would have to admit her failure to him and that would be humiliating especially to see that damn smirk of his, but she already knew she was going to see that because of the investment she had made against his advice. She sighed as she walked to her bedroom knowing what she faced later yet not knowing.

At about eleven, Troian put on her robe, carefully opened her door, and walked down the hall to Adam's room. She knew which room was his because the door had been open in his absence and given her the opportunity to explore the room to see the kind of man he was in his most private space. She knew he probably wouldn't like that she had done that, but curiosity had driven her. She opened the door and wasn't at all surprised to be greeted immediately.

"I thought you would be here sooner."

"I wanted to be sure everyone was sleeping. We need to talk."

"We certainly do. What the hell are you doing here?"

"By now, you must have read my letter. You know what I did and what I went through. Your father saved me from a terrible decision. He invited me to come here. I came because I thought you would be willing to talk with me. I know I was foolish. You can smirk all you want. I deserve it, but what I don't understand is why you haven't told your father about us. He thinks we're nothing more than acquaintances."

"And what are you trying to do with my father?"

"Nothing. I'm trying to be polite and wait until you tell him about us so that he stops pursuing me. After he was so nice to me, I can't hurt him."

"Have you kissed him yet, or fallen on your back for him?" Near the bed by then, Troian lashed out at Adam but he sensed as much as saw her hand coming for his face and grabbed her arm before she made contact. "You should go back to your room. We'll talk tomorrow when I'm ready."

"Joe was right. You are being a jackass. I want to talk with you though and I hope you're in a better mood by tomorrow. We do need to talk. It can't wait because your father told me tonight that he loved me." The force with which he had grabbed her had caused her to fall against him. She reached for him and he gasped as her free hand touched him. "You still want me. Even angry as you are, you still want me." Quietly then, Troian pulled from his grasp and slipped from his room and back to hers before the tears came.

In his bed, Adam seethed with anger and with desire for her. He knew she was correct. He did want her physically, but wondered if that was enough especially now that his father wanted her too. He hardly slept at all the rest of the night as he wrestled with his own thoughts and arguments unable to reach any satisfactory conclusion. Every scenario he imagined led to his father being hurt. He couldn't find a way to avoid that except in one way and that way would hurt him too but in a way that would preserve his pride at least. He knew he would have to think about this a lot more and wouldn't be able to avoid thinking about it anyway with Troian in the house. After the way he had spoken to her and made it clear he didn't want to see her, Adam wondered at her fairly calm response and that she still insisted that they should talk. Angry, he had to admit that it intrigued him too.

Chapter 4

There wasn't much sleep for the rest of the night for Troian either. She wondered how Adam would react to what she had said and done. She was surprised at breakfast to learn that Adam had asked his father if he thought it was all right if he took Troian on a ride around the Ponderosa to see some of the sights. Although Ben had told Troian that he thought Adam was jealous, Ben felt that well up in him as soon as Adam made the request. He could hardly refuse it though because Adam and Troian had known each other longer than Ben had known her. He was as gracious as he could force himself to be because he had been hoping to take Troian on such a ride and perhaps a picnic if she was willing. Now with Adam in the picture, Ben was getting worried that her attention might shift to his son and he might lose his chance to court her which is what he wanted to do. If Adam hadn't been so concerned by the whole situation, he would have been amused by his father's reaction and obvious reluctance. Instead, he was very concerned by how Ben looked when he asked and what it meant. Adam was carefully neutral when he informed Troian about what he had done but was a bit dismayed that she was so obviously pleased that he had done so. He saw the look his father gave him because of that. He went to get the carriage ready and had to deal with Joe again who objected to what Adam was going to do. Adam only said that he was a friend of hers and making a simple offer that he would make to a guest for after all their father had instructed him to treat her as a guest. Joe had no answer to that but was still clearly displeased. Hoss intervened and took Joe off to do some work even as he shook his head at Adam knowing he was playing with dynamite.

After a short time in the carriage and some banal talk to pass the time until they were far from the house with no chance of being overheard nor observed, he addressed that issue first.

"My father is clearly smitten with you. Why haven't you told him no?"

"I wouldn't have to tell him anything if you would tell him about us."

The two of them sat staring at each other for some time until Adam decided that the only way to do this was to be honest. "There was something that I was going to tell you the next time I saw you. It wasn't something that I thought should be sent in a letter especially after the relationship we had."

The use of the word 'had' cut into Troian like a hot knife. She understood then almost immediately why Adam had said nothing to his father about them. He planned to end their relationship. By the stricken look on her face, Adam too knew that his choice of words had telegraphed his message far in advance of the words he had intended to use to deliver it. He had not meant for it to be given in such a shocking way.

"I'm sorry. It's that, for me, the relationship wasn't working out."

"It seemed to be 'working out' just fine the last time you were with me or did all those times we were together mean nothing to you other than you taking your pleasure because you could? Are you that selfish?"

"No, but after all of that, I should have felt terrible leaving you. I should have wanted to stay there and never leave. I don't have that feeling. I'm sorry. I can't make myself feel something that I don't feel. I don't know why."

"I don't understand. We have so much in common. We like so many of the same things. We have great conversations. We enjoy our time together day and night. You were always so relaxed and happy when you were with me. How can that not mean that you have feelings for me? How can love be missing from that?"

"I don't know why, but it is. I've been with other women between my visits with you. I don't feel guilty about that. We never said we had an exclusive relationship."

"It was for me." From the way Adam looked at her, Troian knew something more. "But you don't believe me. That's why you asked me that ugly question last night. You bastard. I gave myself to you because I love you. I wouldn't do that for any other man because I don't love any other man."

"You seemed so free with everything, I thought otherwise."

"I was married. I knew things. A woman doesn't forget because her husband is killed. I didn't know those things because I had a string of men. You're wrong about me."

"I'm sorry about those assumptions, but it doesn't change that I don't love you. I am sorry about that too."

"You may say you're sorry about it, but it doesn't change how you're thinking really now does it? You still don't believe me. You don't trust me. I don't know what I did to make you think that way about me."

"Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's me."

"Oh, I believe there's a lot more than a maybe in that. Inside, you don't really believe that anyone can love you. You look at me and think that I can't be what I am and choose you so you have to come up with a reason why. Your decision is that I don't love you and you can't trust me or love me then. So, it's over."

"You may be right about all of that, but it doesn't change how I feel. Now, what about you? You don't love my father, so what are you going to do?"

"Apparently there's only one thing for me to do. I should leave."

"He may want to follow you. I saw the look in his eyes."

"I'll tell him not to follow me. You may have to work on him a bit to stop him if he gets an idea to follow me anyway. Hoss can help."

"You're taking this rather calmly. I expected all sorts of histrionics."

"I'm a mature woman. I make mistakes, but I'm no child. Yes, I defied your advice and made that awful investment and then needed help to get myself out of a terrible predicament. Luckily your father was gracious enough to help. Apparently I made a terrible mistake with you too. I should never have opened my heart to you when you guarded yours so well. I won't compound my error by trying to make you feel something that is apparently not in you to feel."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"You could tell your father about us."

"At this point, I'm afraid it would only embarrass him."

Pausing to think about that, Troian snorted in disgust. She agreed. "He is going to be hurt though when I say I'm leaving."

"He'll get over it. It's better now than stringing him along and then telling him, isn't it?"

Troian agreed to that too. "Was there anything else you had to tell me?"

Startled a little by his insight, Troian managed to mask her true reaction by a show of some false indignation. "No, I don't need you to resolve every little issue for me. Now that I've seen what it's like to live outside of San Francisco, I've decided to move. It won't be to Nevada because you're not interested in me, but there are a lot of nice places for people to live."

"Yes, there are. I would help you if you would let me."

"No, I think you've done quite enough. I'll do the rest by myself."

With mostly silence for the return trip to the ranch house, there were no more revelations nor any more understanding of each other's positions. Troian showed that she had the ability to have a mask in place that was equally as good as the one Adam could employ. He had no clue as to what she was thinking or feeling when they returned. He helped her from the carriage and she walked to house looking as proud and independent as she had always appeared even if inside, she felt as if her world was in shambles. She had tears in her eyes as she entered the house that he had designed expecting that this might be the last day she would ever stay there. She was determined to remember everything she could about it and looked all around as she walked to the stairs and that was her undoing because Ben was at his desk.

"Is there something wrong? You look upset and you're back earlier than I would have expected."

All Troian could do at that point was to rush to the stairs and up to her room. She simply didn't have the strength or the energy to deal with Ben at that point. Hoping that Adam would talk to him, she had a good cry in her room and did nothing else. It had been building for some time and found a release.

Following Troian up the stairs and to her door, Ben heard the sobs. He knocked but guessed that she didn't hear or didn't want to hear. He tried the door but it was locked. Upset and angry, he went to find Adam and found him calmly putting away harness in the stable as if it was the most ordinary thing to do. Walking up to him, Ben put a hand on his shoulder to spin him around. With the furious look his father had, Adam knew that it had to be about Troian but had no idea what it was. He put his usual mask in place and waited for his father to reveal the problem. When it came, he was surprised but hid it well.

"I know you knew her first, but if you wanted a relationship with her, you should have done something about it before now. I'm letting you know what you already must have guessed. I'm interested in Troian and your jealous behavior in trying to undermine my chances with her are not going to be tolerated."

Adam so much wanted to blurt out the truth at that point. It would end any chance of a relationship between Troian and his father, but it would hurt his father by making him feel foolish and embarrassed. His father was clearly far more emotionally involved than he had thought so he decided to tread lightly. As long as Troian was leaving anyway, there was no need to make things any more difficult than they were.

"I have no romantic interest in Troian at this point. We talked and she decided that the best choice for her was to leave. I'm sure it was a difficult decision for her to make, but that's what it is."

"Leave? Why would she leave? I don't want her to leave."

"She made a decision that she thought was right for her. We talked about it and it did seem to be the best way to go based on what she wanted."

"What does she want that would make her leave? I need to talk to her about this."

"Pa, her decision is made. Can't you let it rest? It was difficult for her, and questioning her on it is only going to cause more difficulty for her."

"If she wants to leave, I want her to tell me that not you." Ben strode from the stable with purpose and more anger than when he had entered for now he was sure that Adam had talked Troian into leaving. He meant to talk her into staying.

Working nearby, Joe and Hoss had witnessed the entire exchange which hadn't lasted long. Hoss had feared such a confrontation was coming, but Joe was shocked and then angry too.

"Adam, what did you do? Pa was so happy before you came home."

"Happy or deluding himself?"

"He was happy, and now it's a mess. Why would you want to mess this up for Pa? He's got a chance to be happy again for the first time in a very long time. He's been lonely. Anybody could see that, but she could be the answer for that."

"Not Troian. He should look for someone else."

"What gives you the right to decide who Pa can see and who he can't?"

"I don't have that right, but I do know that it shouldn't be Troian."

"It's not up to you."

"No, it isn't. It's Troian's decision, and she decided her best course of action was to leave so that's what she plans to do."

Frustrated, Joe stomped from the stable and headed to the house. Watching him go, Hoss sighed deeply and audibly but said nothing.

Exhausted by the nearly constant emotional pressure, Adam had hoped for some support from Hoss. "I thought you would say something."

"It was about what I expected, but why didn't you tell Pa the truth. He gave you a big enough opening there."

"What was the point? She's leaving so there's no need to tell him and make him feel the fool. Pa doesn't do well in those situations. There's no need to do that to him. She'll be gone tomorrow, and he'll get over it with time."

"But what about the two of you? He thinks you're jealous of him and Troian."

"He knows I don't lie about things like that. He'll remember that when he calms down."

"Not gonna be easy gettin' him ta calm down about her. He's really feeling for her."

"I know. I could see that, and I wish I had been here sooner. But she'll be gone tomorrow and that should let us start getting back to normal."

"We can hope that's true, but Pa's gonna try to change her mind, and you know he can be damn convincing when he wants something."

"Damn."

Chapter 5

In the house, Ben went upstairs to Troian's room and knocked. He didn't hear any crying this time but again, there was no answer from her. After what Adam had said she planned to do, Ben wasn't going to give up as easily though.

"Open the door, Troian, please. We need to talk. I don't know what kind of conversation you had with Adam, but you shouldn't make a decision to leave so abruptly without talking about it and considering all your options."

For a time, Ben thought that there would still be no response until he heard the lock click. The door opened a moment later and Troian looked at him but with her eyes downcast. Even then he could see how miserable she must be feeling. Her voice was hoarse when she spoke.

"I have considered my options. I'm leaving, and I'm going to find a nice place to live away from cities and people who can be so cruel."

"Can't you consider this as one of those places where you could live?"

"Oh, Ben, you don't understand. You wouldn't ask me to stay here if you knew everything." Troian turned back to the room and was going to push the door closed.

"Perhaps you should tell me. I've helped you once. You trusted me then and hardly knew me. Surely now you must trust me enough to know that you could tell me anything and I would keep your confidence and help you if I could."

"I'm afraid this is something that you couldn't help me with. The only man who could help me with this isn't interested in helping me. He doesn't care about me at all. I should never have come here. I should have faced this problem head-on, made my decision, and carried through. That's what I plan to do now."

"You sound a bit like Adam when you talk like that as if you have to do things by yourself and can't lean on someone else when you need help."

"Maybe that's because I don't have anyone to lean on in this situation. I am all on my own."

"Perhaps you're too emotional to make this decision now. You need to give yourself a little time. I'm not sure what Adam said to make you think you had to rush into this decision, but I suspect he said whatever he did because he doesn't want me to develop any stronger feelings for you. I do feel love for you. I want you to remember that, and I want you to stay here long enough to find out if you can feel something for me. Can you please do that at least? Agree to stay on at least a few more days and give me a chance to convince you to stay longer? It is the one thing that I have asked of you. Please say yes."

Because he phrased it that way, Troian couldn't refuse him. He had helped her so much and asked nothing in return. This small request that was as much for her as for him was hardly something she could refuse. She agreed and had to admit that she was pleased at the smile that brought forth from Ben. He was so easy to please. She knew she should stop doing it but was comparing him to Adam. However in this case, Ben came out the winner. Ben left then telling her that he could see that she needed some time to rest before dinner. As usual, he put her needs before what he wanted. Again, she had to give him high marks for that.

Downstairs, Ben confronted Adam as his three sons came in for dinner. He told them that Troian was going to stay for a few more days but his focus and attention were on Adam. He specifically warned Adam that he was not to try to talk her out of that decision.

"What are you afraid of, Pa?"

"I'm not afraid."

"Then you shouldn't be so worried that a few words from me could make her leave. If you're that insecure, maybe you ought to reconsider your feelings in this situation. She's not the right one for you."

"I will not be lectured by you about anything and certainly not about this."

"Someone needs to do it."

Joe decided to step in at that point. "Adam, what have you got against Pa being happy? Why don't you shut up about it and let Pa and Troian handle things?"

Adam was incensed and would have responded with anger but that made Hoss take part too. "Joe, back off. This ain't none of your affair."

"Well, it isn't any of Adam's affair either and you aren't telling him to shut up. Why is that, Hoss? Are you against Pa and Troian too?"

"Joe, just back off."

"Oh, let him talk. Everyone has an opinion and no one knows what they're talking about."

Adam of course could have explained but wouldn't. Too late Adam realized his error and tried to backtrack by apologizing but failed to defuse the situation with more angry words from his father and then from Joe. Adam was wisely silent then hoping to keep things from getting any worse. When his father and Joe had vented, Adam apologized again and then only asked if they could take some time to think about what had happened and perhaps be willing to consider his point of view. His father turned the same argument back on him and asked him if he could do the same. By his expression, his father got his answer.

"Then you have my answer as well. There will be no more discussion of this. I will make a decision about my future and I will expect my sons to support it. That's my final decision."

Looking triumphant, Joe sat down to dinner as his father expected. Hoss looked at Adam hoping that Adam had some kind of plan but could see he didn't.

"I'm sorry. I'm not hungry right now. I'll be back later."

With that, Adam grabbed his hat and coat and left the house. When Troian came to dinner, she found Ben and Joe talking quite animatedly and perhaps too much so and Hoss silent and brooding which she knew was out of character for him. Adam was not there and no one offered an explanation. Troian had hoped that Ben's offer of an extra day might be enough to make Adam decide to explain things to his father and finally clear up this mess. She even still hoped that he might reconsider his conclusions about the two of them if only to stop his father from being involved with her. She had little left to do to win him back. If she couldn't, she did have Ben and was beginning to consider that he wasn't a bad choice either. She did care for him even if she didn't love him. She knew that there were many marriages that had succeeded quite well based on that measure of attraction. She couldn't help herself though and asked where Adam was. That opened up a rather heated discussion that upset her. She asked if she could be excused and Ben was apologetic as was Joe. Hoss remained quiet.

In her room, Troian wasn't quite sure why she had reacted so emotionally. It hadn't been the surprise because she had more or less expected the answers she got. It wasn't that the men were upset because she knew all four were upset by the whole situation. Yet, she had nearly been in tears by the reaction to her question. There was a knock on the door, and she knew it was Ben. There was no point ignoring him because he would insist on talking to her no matter what so she told him to come in.

Stepping into the room, Ben surprised her by his demeanor and his words shocked her more. "Are you with child?" She couldn't answer. For Ben, that was an answer because if he had been wrong, she would have immediately denied it. "I thought there was something familiar about some of the ways you had been acting and the way you talked about the man you said should be helping you. Now, is there any possibility that you can convince the father to marry you?"

She didn't answer at first and skipped the obvious questions that he had already answered. He waited patiently as she processed what he had asked her and why. "I probably could, but he has coldly told me that he doesn't love me. He doesn't know about my condition, but I'm certain that if he did, he would offer to support the child not offer to marry me. He is a responsible man, but he is not one who will be pushed into a marriage, and I'm positive that he would believe that this was a plan on my part to force him to marry me."

"Certainly he played a part in making this child."

"He is the only one, but he told me that he doesn't believe that he is the only one. Because I gave myself to him, he seems to think that indicates my morals would mean that I would give myself to someone else too."

"Do you love him?"

Squeezing her eyes shut against the tears that would have spilled otherwise, Troian nodded. Ben offered a handkerchief and gave her a moment to get her composure back. When she did, he asked if she could consider another despite that. She shrugged for she didn't know.

"I don't think that your love for him will last over time. There's nothing to nurture that love and keep it alive. I want you to know too that your condition does not change how I feel at all. I love you, and I never expected you to be perfect. I certainly am not. If I want you to consider me as a potential suitor, then I have to admit that I have faults that you would have to overlook and take me as I am. What I would like you to do now is to take a few days and consider what I have offered you. I will love you, support you, and accept your child as my own. I want to marry you. I've been lonely for a long time, and I think you're the one who can change that."

"You're telling me that knowing what you know, you want to marry me and raise my child as yours?"

"Yes, your child will be our child when we marry. That's the law, and morally and legally, I will abide that. You must know that I am a man of my word."

"But, Ben, I have to be honest. I am not in love with you. I do care for you very much, but I'm not in love with you."

"Love can grow. Many times a man and a woman marry and find that love grows as long as they like each other and care for each other and want the best for each other. If they respect each other and want the best for each other, then they give love a chance to grow. Can you say that you want those things?"

"Yes, I can."

Very quickly, Troian worked through possible results of Ben's proposal. It could work as Ben suggested. She could live with that. Or the proposal could cause Adam to finally step up and tell the truth which could mean that she would end up with Adam which she would prefer. Either she ended up married to the man she loved or to a man for whom she did care very much, and in either case, her child got a secure future with an excellent father. She looked at Ben and sincerely answered.

"Yes, Ben, I will marry you."

With a grin so wide it almost made his face hurt, Ben was overjoyed and wrapped his arms around Troian. Then she got a surprise because Ben kissed her and it was with passion for he had held back until that moment and had a lot to release. After a short time, he released her. "I'm sorry. That was perhaps quite a lot for a first kiss, but it was also to celebrate that we are now to be married. Under the circumstances, I think we should be married as soon as possible too. I want to marry you on Saturday."

"Saturday!"

"Yes, there's no reason to wait, is there?"

"No, no, there's no reason to wait. Yes, yes, we can marry on Saturday. When will you tell your sons?"

"I'll tell Hoss and Joe as soon as I get downstairs. Adam isn't here. I'm not sure he'll be here tonight. I'll tell him when he gets back if he's in a mood to talk civilly to me about this."

"I don't want this to come between the two of you."

"Adam has to accept that I have to make the best decision for my life as he does for his life."

"Yes, I guess we all do that, don't we?"

Chapter 6

As expected, Joe was ecstatic about the news. As a romantic soul, he thoroughly enjoyed the whole concept of his father falling in love with the lady he had rescued. Hoss was far more subdued in his congratulations, but Ben attributed that to Hoss worrying about his older brother. In fact, Ben was worried too about how Adam would take the news. Hoss had every intention of staying up late enough to be there when Adam arrived home, but it got so late he fell asleep propped up against the windowsill in his room. Ben fell asleep in his red leather chair downstairs. He too wished to speak with Adam as soon as he arrived home. Adam didn't want to speak with anyone and tried to get upstairs without waking his father. It didn't work.

"Adam, wait. Please, wait." Ben tried to soften his tone because he didn't want another confrontation with his eldest son.

Not wanting that either, Adam paused on the first few steps of the stairs. "Pa, I don't want to argue. I've had a bit to drink, and this might not be a good time for us to talk."

"I have to admit I had a couple of brandies too earlier. Surely the ride from town has given you time to get your thoughts together. I know you don't drink to excess no matter the cause. Can we talk?"

"Will it do any good?"

"I would like to hope so. Son, we've always been able to talk. Please, let's try."

Reluctantly, Adam came down the few steps and walked to the fireplace standing there and staring at the flames in the fire that was slowly dying out. His father asked him to sit but he declined preferring to be able to leave quickly if this discussion turned sour for he feared it might.

"Son, I want you to understand my position. Then I would like to understand why you are so opposed to what I want to do. First, I have been very lonely for twenty years. I know I haven't complained, but there it is. I'm admitting that to you. I wanted someone by my side but there was no one there. Now, I have found someone who is willing to take that spot and who I think will fill that spot admirably. I know she's young. I know that we haven't known each other for very long, but we get on well." Ben could see by Adam's stiff posture and the set of his shoulders that he had some objections that hadn't yet been addressed. He decided to play the most important cards of all. "She has admitted that she doesn't love me." Adam almost jerked around at that statement because he was so surprised. "I thought you might react that way. No, she isn't fooling me. She has been very honest with me and I with her. She told me that she likes me, respects me, and does care for me. I told her that love can grow and asked her if she was willing to take that chance with me."

"And she was?"

"Yes. You seem so surprised. Adam, is there something that I should know? You seem to have some strong feelings about Troian and me. I attributed it to jealousy. I know that perhaps it was jealousy on my part instead. However, whatever you think it is that I should know, I think now would be a good time to tell me. We should clear the air between us. This may be my chance at happiness with a woman, but I would give it up in a heartbeat if it meant I would lose a son because of it."

Until his father said that last part, Adam was getting ready to unburden himself and tell the whole story. His father wanted the truth and he was going to tell him. Then his father said all of that. He had that last chance at happiness but would give it up for him. Adam couldn't bear that burden. He preferred the one he already had. He squeezed his eyes shut and kept silent for a moment before he spoke. "No, Pa, there's nothing I have to tell you. You know what you need to know to be happy." Before he might slip and say something more, Adam turned to go upstairs. He really did need to get some sleep and hoped he would be able to sleep. What his father said next though meant that wasn't likely. He knew that he should have been honest with his father at the start. By trying to prevent his father from being hurt, he had made sure that he would be hurt. He had dug himself into a hole so big he couldn't see a way out, but what his father said next made that hole seem so big it swallowed him up and took the light from the world.

"I've asked Troian to marry me next Saturday and she has agreed. I hope you can be happy for us and celebrate with us that day."

Not trusting himself to turn around and face his father with his answer, Adam said his answer as he walked up the stairs as if it didn't mean as much as it did. "Of course, Pa." His heart was pounding so hard, he wasn't sure that his father couldn't hear it. He actually felt a bit faint and knew it wasn't just the alcohol. He knew he couldn't celebrate with his father in a week. He had thought he would have more time to get used to the idea and even entertained the thought briefly that the whole engagement would end before it could proceed to marriage. Things were moving so fast that he couldn't react in any natural way. He got to his room, closed the door, and stood there leaning against the door with sweat pouring down his face and neck. He had no idea how he could possibly maintain his façade of accepting this marriage when he had only a short time earlier schooled his emotions to accept that his father wanted to have a relationship with Troian. He knew too that his reactions to all of this turmoil were going to be especially difficult if he was exhausted but he still couldn't get himself to fall asleep with all the thoughts roiling his mind.

The next morning at breakfast, both Joe and Troian kept stealing glances at Adam wondering if he would say anything. Joe was ready to challenge him, but Troian had heard from Ben that he had told Adam about their upcoming marital plans. She hoped that it would spur Adam to action yet he said nothing. He kept his eyes mostly on his plate, spooned eggs onto his plate, took some bacon from a platter that Hoss passed to him, and took biscuits from the basket Hop Sing put on the table. Hoss could see how stressed Adam looked no matter how much he tried to act like everything was fine. As soon as Adam could politely do so, he excused himself to get to work. Hoss followed as quickly as he could without arousing any concern. He sought out Adam to ask him about the night before and how things had gone with their father because it was clear that something had happened between them. Adam recounted the whole conversation to Hoss.

"Hoss, I don't know if I can be here for the wedding. How can I stand there and congratulate my father on marrying her?"

"Why didn't you tell him the truth then?"

"I couldn't. Did you hear what he said to me? How could I deny him the last chance at happiness as he sees it? How could I do less for him than he would do for me? I just don't understand why it has to be so fast. I thought it might take a bit longer. I hoped that perhaps it would fall apart without me doing anything. Now that is not going to happen. Not in a week."

"Can you try?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe I should leave. That would simplify things. If I stay, I may say something that will let Pa know what I've done."

"Leaving's a cowardly thing to consider and would hurt Pa. How can you even consider doing that?" Joe had come up behind Hoss and Adam without either of them hearing him approach. He was incensed at hearing what Adam had said. "Pa was telling us inside that you were finally supporting him and then I hear this. You're a jackass and a two-faced liar too."

Without warning, Joe swung before Adam or Hoss could react to stop him. Adam did his best to defend himself without retaliating, but Joe was unleashing his fury and defense alone wasn't enough. Hoss finally managed to grab his younger brother's arms and pull him back. Adam's face was bloodied from blows that had caused a nosebleed and split his upper lip. Ben walked in at that point and was furious with his sons.

"What in tarnation is going on here? I finally think I have some happiness here and then I find this. What's going on here?"

"Why don't you ask him? He's a liar." Joe spit out the words to his father but was looking at Adam the whole time he said them.

Ben asked Hoss and Joe to leave then so that he could speak with Adam. Adam had pulled a handkerchief and was holding it to his lip and nose trying to stop the bleeding.

"So, it's not settled, is it? Adam, what will it take to get you to accept this?"

"Joe jumped to conclusions. Hoss and I were talking and he heard only one part of it. It's not too much for us to be concerned that the marriage is happening rather fast, is it?"

"No, perhaps not, but that is for me and for Troian to decide. Please respect our wishes. Now, it would be best probably if you keep your thoughts on this to yourself and try to keep peace in this family. It should be a joyous occasion." With that, Ben turned and left.

Dropping onto a pile of hay, Adam was emotionally spent. He didn't know how he could possibly manage one more day much less the rest of the week. He felt a hand on his shoulder then and nearly groaned for he knew who it had to be.

"We should talk."

"No, we shouldn't. There's nothing left to say. You're marrying my father on Saturday. You have effectively insinuated yourself into this family and there's nothing I can do about it."

"There is something."

"Tell everything and make my father out to be a fool, break his heart, and rob him of his hope. No, I won't do it. He said you told him that you will try to be a faithful wife and that you like, respect, and care for him. Well, a lot of women would find that a damn good deal."

"I had been hoping for more. Isn't there any hope for more?"

Standing then, Adam threw off her hand and stomped from the stable intent on getting as far from her as he could. Hoss came over to her then from where he had been waiting and listening after seeing her slip out the back door of the house and furtively move toward the stable.

"You made a choice. I think ya oughta decide to follow through on it or leave. Torturing my brother and trying to force him to do what you want him to do ain't gonna work. You do any more of it, and I'll tell Pa the whole damn story. You won't have either one of 'em."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I may not be the smartest man around, but I kin see what you're trying to do. I know how to stop you, so yah, I will. Don't push me any further."

It worked. It was the last time that Troian tried to force Adam to tell his father the truth. However Hoss would regret not telling Adam what he had said to Troian. Two nights later, Adam packed his things, slipped quietly from the house, saddled up Sport, and rode from the Ponderosa. He wouldn't be back for a very long time. The next morning, his father and brothers found letters from him. He promised to be in touch and not to be too far away, but said he couldn't be there for the wedding. He made excuses and gave them a plausible story to tell the other guests to explain his absence. It was a very subdued group of men at breakfast when Troian arrived there. She asked what had happened and did note that there was no place setting at Adam's usual spot at the table.

"Where's Adam?"

"Gone. He won't be at the wedding."

The way Ben said it told her that it wasn't something that anyone wanted to discuss. It wasn't. The story Adam had given to explain his absence was the only thing that was discussed and then nothing more was said. Troian sat in shock. She had been nurturing the hope that the upcoming wedding would make Adam reconsider and make him tell his father the truth. She had still held hope that Adam would come to her and she could tell him the whole truth about why the wedding was occurring so soon. Now though, he was gone and none of that was going to happen. She was going to be married to Ben Cartwright. She steeled herself to accept that and smiled at her husband-to-be. His answering smile was as forced as hers but for a different reason of course.

Wedding decorations were put up, the place was cleaned up and organized for the ceremony and celebration, and food was prepared. On Saturday, Ben married Troian. Many were surprised if not shocked that Adam wasn't there. The cover story was given but most were still skeptical. However, even though most suspected there was some kind of trouble within the Cartwright family, none had a clue what it was and knew the family would close ranks and no one would find out either.

Two weeks after the wedding, Ben decided he needed to tell his two younger sons the rest of the story so he told them that Troian was with child. He said he didn't know who the father was but it didn't matter because now that he was legally married to her, he was legally the father of any child she bore. He took that very seriously and expected his sons to honor that as well.

"The child will be an equal part of this family. I want you both to know it." Looking at Hoss, Ben had one more thing to say. "I'm assuming that you will let Adam know. The two of you have always been thick as thieves so you can be the one to tell him. He didn't have the courtesy of being at my wedding, so I don't feel the need to be the one to give him this news."

With a sad smirk, Ben had left then. He was still hurt that Adam had left and didn't accept the story he had been told that Adam simply wanted to be sure there was no more dissension in the family. He assumed there was more to it and resented that Adam had not been honest with him. He covered it with some bravado and pride in his new wife, but it still hurt. It affected his marriage too because he couldn't look at his wife without remembering that it was because of her that his eldest son was no longer home. Adam had been the one constant in his life for thirty-six years and was more than a son. He had been a partner, a friend, and an advisor too, and now he was gone. His absence cast a shadow over the marriage.

Joe had been smiling at his father's news not worried at all about their father's warning that people would talk because Joe was thinking people would be talking and assuming his father had rushed the intimacy before the marriage. But Hoss was in shock on several levels because he had a very big suspicion as to who the father of that baby might be and knew Adam would likely draw the same conclusion. He decided he better get to writing that letter his father expected him to send. It wasn't the best way to deliver that kind of information, but there wasn't a good way to tell someone that kind of thing.

Chapter 7

Seldom did Adam Cartwright have more than one whisky but after that letter from Hoss, he wanted a whole bottle. He didn't do it though. Instead he went to talk to a friend. Smart and clever, she was a professional woman and Adam had come to know her on several trips to San Francisco. He could tell her anything and she would keep his confidence. He paid her well for her time, and she had gotten used to the dark haired man who wanted the intimacy of conversation about his private life rather than the intimacy of time in bed.

"So you didn't trust her and intended to end your relationship with her, but you object to her having a relationship with your father instead."

"I didn't trust her so I could hardly think that she would be good for my father."

"And yet you left so that you would not be there to cause a problem with their wedding."

"They were going to get married at that point regardless of what I did."

"You're trying to convince yourself of that, but you know that you could have ended that marriage with only a few sentences or perhaps only one."

"That would have hurt my father."

"I don't know. It seems you trusted her enough to let her marry your father, but not enough for you to love her. You don't trust easily when it comes to a woman. You seem to trust men more easily and I think it's because of this." She pushed her finger against his chest. "You won't give your heart to a woman without trusting her and you can't bring yourself to trust a woman. To a man, you are only offering friendship much like you have been with me. You would never love me so you can trust me."

"I didn't come here for this."

"No, you came here troubled because you think your father is now possibly going to be raising your child and you don't see any way out of that dilemma. I don't see one either. You threw in your hand and let him take the pot. It's too late now to ask to replay the hand."

"It could be some other man's child."

"It could be, and then all your guilt can melt away. But if you think the child is yours, then you should have trusted her, and perhaps you need to take a good look at yourself and how you get along with women. Perhaps the next woman will be able to get you to open your heart."

"My father trusted her."

"Yes, and now he has what you wanted."

Sometimes though Ben wasn't so sure that he had made the correct choice. He did love Troian, but he knew there was a lot of talk in town, and though he had expected it, it bothered him. When they went to church, he saw the looks and the whispered conversations taking place. As she grew wide with child, they didn't get invited to friends' homes except for Doctor Martin and his wife and a few others. There were stories about Adam too. Ben wanted to go see him. The letters from his son were so businesslike as to be almost as if they were from a stranger, but at least he knew that Adam was doing well and had established himself in San Francisco with little difficulty. Almost every day, Ben thought about how he had handled the situation with Adam and regretted it knowing that he could have done so much better. He hoped that they would be able to talk and work things out because he wanted Adam to come back home. He wanted his whole family back together again.

Although Ben now had a wife, he found that he was still lonely in a way because now he missed his eldest son. No matter what Hoss and Joe did, they weren't Adam and couldn't fill that hole in his heart. Hoss made a suggestion that he wholeheartedly accepted because he had been thinking the same thing.

"I think you oughta go see Adam. Mebbe the two of you could talk things out better ifn you was away from here and away from anyone else who might stir things up between you." It was clear that Hoss meant Troian but he never mentioned her nor ever said anything against her.

Appreciating Hoss' diplomacy, Ben nodded. "Yes, once the child is born, I think I will take a trip. There are those meetings in Sacramento and it's a short trip from there to San Francisco."

"That's a good plan. Joe's still mad at Adam so it might be best ifn he didn't know you was going to see Adam."

"Yes, that's another issue that will have to be addressed at some point, but there's no need to do that now with Adam gone. If Adam comes back, then it will have to be cleared up. Frankly, I don't understand why Joe is so upset at Adam."

"He don't know everything."

"Hoss, I don't think I know everything either."

Ben waited, but as usual, Hoss said nothing more. By Hoss' estimation, this was between Adam and his father, and if Adam wanted to divulge anything more, it was up to him. Hoss wasn't going to break his brother's confidence except in dire circumstances and nothing like that seemed likely any more. He did worry though about the baby that was due. If that baby resembled Adam, he wondered what his father would do then.

They didn't have to wait long. As spring arrived, so did Jamie Benjamin Cartwright. He had curly chestnut brown hair like his mother. At first his eyes looked like they might be slightly blue-green but within days, it was clear that his eye color was more hazel than anything and changed color with his mood. His lips were perfectly formed and beautiful for a boy, and the nose was the perfect size for his face. When he smiled for the first time, Joe was the first to exclaim that the baby had dimples. Hoss seemed to be the only one who noticed the strong resemblance to Adam as others said he looked a lot like Ben. He did but only in a more general sense much like Adam resembled his father.

With the spring drive coming up, there wasn't much time for Hoss and Joe to spend with the baby nor to talk with their father. Ben headed out soon after the baby was born to attend the meetings in Sacramento. Hoss hoped the meetings there went well but prayed the meeting with Adam was amiable. It was. Ben sent a telegram from Sacramento to let Adam know he was coming, and Adam met him at the boat. They embraced so Ben knew there was no underlying animosity.

"You look good, son. You look like you belong here."

"I'm good at fitting in wherever I am. I have a carriage over here. Let's go to my place. We can drop your bag off and then get some dinner."

At dinner, Ben talked briefly about his new son, but when Adam showed little interest, he dropped that subject and turned instead to Adam coming home. However, no matter how many arguments he made, Adam had more counterarguments making it clear that Adam had no intention of returning. Ben switched then to trying to get Adam to come for a visit, but Adam said he was in the midst of several projects that would last through most of the summer.

"Well, in the fall or winter, you could come for a visit."

"No, I probably won't be here anymore. I've been offered some positions that involve travel to other countries. I'm considering them and I will be going to one of those places."

"And there won't even be time for a visit in between the end of your work here and having to leave for this new position?"

"No, it is a continuous operation, I'm afraid. There is no offer of time off involved if I want the position. I am glad you came so that we could say our goodbyes."

"You will come back though, won't you?"

"When I can, I will come back, but that could be years in the future, Pa. I'm not making any promises as to when I'll be back."

"Adam, it's not because of Troian, is it?"

"No, it's not because of Troian."

"Good, at least I don't have to feel guilty about that. I thought you left because I married her and you wanted to. Now that I know that isn't it, I can rest easier. Someday, will you explain to me why you had to leave the way you did?"

"Maybe, Pa, maybe someday, I'll be able to do that."

"Meanwhile, will you be able to do the Ponderosa business while you're here? I can send information to you and let you do your best for us." Ben was hoping to tie his son to the ranch if only by this tenuous string. He was gratified when Adam agreed to do so. However he did realize and regretted that his relationship with his son had changed for there was a guardedness there that was new and Adam kept the conversation light and mostly trivial deftly steering it away from anything significant. The ties between them had been cut and Adam had fully asserted his independence. When Ben went home, he was satisfied that he still had his son's love but knew he had lost the trust and closeness between them. He wondered what kind of reception Hoss and Joe would get at the end of the cattle drive they were on when they arrived in the city because they too intended to see Adam.

On that drive, Hoss and Joe had some fairly heated discussions about Adam especially about him leaving only days before their father's wedding. Hoss tried to get Joe to understand that Adam wouldn't have gone unless he believed that it was best for him not to be there, but Joe couldn't accept it. That Adam had refused to visit even when their father had invited him on several occasions especially for Jamie's christening was a big sore point for Joe that he couldn't let go. When the two brothers met with Adam, that issue in fact was the one that came to the forefront almost immediately as Joe began laying out a list of complaints with Adam and ended with that one.

"Yeah, and why didn't you show up for your own brother's christening?" By then Joe was so angry, he shoved Adam.

Emotionally on edge after his meeting with their father, feeling guilty about his failure to handle the situation better, and now challenged by Joe, Adam blurted out more than he meant to say. "He's not my brother." Realizing what he had said, he tried to take that back. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Listen, can we start over?"

"No, I think that's about what you think. You don't think he is a part of the family, do you? You didn't want Pa to marry Troian so you don't accept their son as part of the family. Well, you're still being a jackass, and maybe you're the one who isn't a part of the family the way you're acting."

Hoss had enough at that point. "Joe, that's enough. Adam, I'm sorry. I thought I had him calmed down enough that we could talk. I guess not. I'll come talk with you tomorrow. Joe, we're leaving." Joe didn't want to leave, but Hoss didn't give him a choice in the matter. As they got back to their room at the hotel, Joe was steaming.

"You always take his side."

"You don't know everything. I try to support all the members of this family, and let me tell you, it ain't easy. Now I want to get some sleep." Hoss kicked off his boots, took off his shirt and pants, and rolled into bed refusing to talk about it any more making Joe even more frustrated.

Chapter 8

The day after the altercation with Joe, as Hoss had expected, he found Adam at work. Hoss had gotten all the errands done that needed to be done and settled Joe down as much as he could telling him that he was going to go see Adam. Joe had objected saying that Adam had turned his back on the family. Once again, Hoss told Joe he didn't know what he was talking about and left. He didn't know that Joe followed him. When he got Adam's attention, he had a request.

"We need to talk, older brother."

"What about?"

"Oh, I think you know, but not here. Let's wait until we get to a quiet place."

Saying nothing, Adam only shrugged and told Hoss to wait while he wrapped things up. In a quiet booth at a saloon, they shared a bottle of whisky that night although neither of them usually drank that much. They didn't sleep at all spending the night talking and being together.

"That baby that Troian had with Pa. It ain't Pa's. I know that even if some folks are talking like he is. I'm purty darn shur I do know who the father is though. It's what I wanted to talk with you about."

"No need to talk really. We both know now. It's what I guessed and why I worried so much after I left and why I didn't want to come back after you wrote that letter to me so you must have suspected it too and at the same time. I'm guessing that he looks enough like me that you're convinced now. I think I knew even before that because it was the only answer that made sense. It's why I said what I said to Joe. I didn't mean to blurt it out like that, but it's been on my mind all the time."

"Yeah, you really stirred him up."

"I guess I shouldn't have said it, but I'm tired of the whole thing. It's been weighing on me so hard, and then for him to push like that was too much."

"You want to talk about it or just drink?"

"I wouldn't mind both."

"I know what you meant when you said in your letters that you were staying away to protect everyone the best you knew how. Ifn you were home, there'd be talk and whispers and Pa'd be humiliated."

For hours, they talked about the issues and the lack of any good way to face them. They drank and talked about the future too. There was time for them to sleep after they said goodbye, and they were exhausted enough that they were going to need it. When it was time to go, Hoss grabbed Adam in a hug and held it longer than he ever had because he was afraid it was the last one he would ever give him. He wanted to remember what it felt like. Adam wasn't prone to physical displays of affection with his brother but this time, he too wanted that hug to last. The lingering effects of the whisky were probably part of it for both of them. Finally, bleary eyed and disheveled, the two did part having made a tentative plan to meet again in two months. There was no surety of course that Adam would be there, but he would be if he could. When Hoss finally got to the steamboat, Joe was there waiting for him but said nothing and looked as tired as Hoss was which Hoss found odd but was grateful because he wasn't in the mood for any questions. Hoss spent the next several hours sleeping in a chair. When he awoke, Joe was sitting beside him and offered him a sandwich and a cup of coffee.

"I heard you last night: you and Adam. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I came to find out once and for all why Adam was being such a jackass. I heard what you said and how he responded. Then I knew. I guess I suspected anyway because of how Adam acted with Troian and after seeing who Jamie resembled so much. Except for the hair color, he looks exactly like Adam. That's why Adam said he wasn't his brother. It's his son, isn't it? He was with Troian first, wasn't he?"

"Joe, you should never ever say that again."

"But why? It's the truth. It has to be because it makes everything else make sense. How can he turn his back on him?"

"Joe, Pa has to know too or he's got to figure it out pretty darn soon. He's got to see how Jamie looks a lot like Adam's ma and there's only one way that can be true. Nobody's gonna talk about it though. Adam ain't gonna come back cause that would only make everyone see the truth or say it. The only ones to get hurt would be Pa and Jamie and they ain't done nothing wrong here. By staying away, Adam protects both of them. He ain't turning his back on 'im. He's protecting him and Pa the only way he knows how."

"But she should, she should, oh hell, I don't know."

"I think she's come to love Pa in her own way. I told Adam that. It's not the kind of love that Pa had with our ma's but it's there. She won't hurt him. She does love Jamie too."

"But Adam's all alone, and it hurts Pa not to see him."

"They've met here in the city."

"They have?"

"Yep. That extra long trip Pa took to Sacramento was really to here. He's not likely to say anything at home about it. I don't think he wants to talk to Troian about it. He and Adam met. Adam said they never did get around to talking about Jamie much. It was that elephant in the room the whole time, but they did talk about other things. Pa don't understand why Adam won't come back even for a visit. He wants him to see Jamie and get to know him a little. Adam of course don't want to do that at all. I gotta wonder if Pa's suspicious at all. By now, I'm thinking he's gotta be 'specially with Adam being so darn right stubborn about not wanting to come back to the Ponderosa even for a visit. All they settled is that Adam's gonna stay here a while and run business for the ranch on this end. No more trips for contracts and such. He'll do it for us for a bit."

"I suppose Pa will send him the bottom line and then he'll do his best."

"Yep, about what he was doing before so nothing changes there except he won't be bringing those contracts home. We'll get 'em by post."

"This is all going to take some getting used to."

"For all of us. Then it will all likely change too."

"Change?"

"Yeah, when Adam decides he's had enough of sitting here wondering about his future and decides to leave and go chase that dream he's got."

"What dream?"

"He always used to talk about going to live in France or England for a while but now he brought up Australia too. I don't know where he's gonna go, but he's got an itch to travel and nothing holding him back no more."

"Next time we're here, I'd like to see him when you go visit."

Hoss put an arm around Joe's shoulders then. "Are we all good on this then?"

What Joe most wanted to know why Adam hadn't told their father the truth about Troian right away.

"At first he didn't want to say 'cause he didn't want to embarrass Pa. Then he thought she was leaving anyway. Then he was gonna tell and Pa told him that she was his chance at being happy again 'cause he'd been lonely for twenty years. Adam couldn't bring himself to tell him then. She never told him about the baby. I don't know why. Adam would be the first to tell you that he made a mess of it, but he dug himself into a hole he couldn't get out of."

The two brothers talked more about the situation until it was all talked out between them and then never brought up again in any detail because as Hoss warned, someone might hear.

On the Ponderosa at about the same time, Ben was having a stiff brandy even though it was only the early afternoon. Something that had been nagging at him for some time had finally hit him hard when he had been in town with Troian and Jamie. Sheriff Roy Coffee had come up to them to talk and had of course had to talk about the baby.

"Ben, it's like you got another Adam growing up here. He's the spitting image of your oldest 'cept for the hair color. Why he's got those dimples and the same color eyes. He's gonna look just like him when he grows up. You'll have two of your boys who look alike anyway."

And Ben had smiled and agreed, but inside his heart had clenched and gone icy cold with the realization that hit him then and couldn't be denied any longer. He didn't have dimples nor hazel eyes. Those perfectly formed bow lips were exactly like Adam's. Those traits had come to Adam through Elizabeth's side of the family. Adam had talked briefly at times of the woman he called Helen in San Francisco. Could that be Troian? Helen of Troy? It would be something that Adam would do to make a literary or historical type reference to maintain his privacy in a relationship. It would explain his odd behavior and reaction to Troian's arrival on the Ponderosa and his sudden decision to leave. Ben remembered too how Adam had tried to discourage him from marrying Troian. Adam had been in San Francisco a few months before Troian arrived on the Ponderosa. When Troian first came to talk to him, she had said that Adam must have mentioned her. Adam had only ever mentioned Helen in San Francisco. Troian had been surprised that Adam had never said anything about her to his family. It was all beginning to fall into place though. Was Jamie Adam's son? Ben had looked over at her as Roy walked away and had seen the truth in her eyes. She knew then that he had figured it out. She had hugged Jamie to her and turned away. They hadn't talked on the ride home.

As Ben sat in the chair at his desk, he had a lot of questions and guessed he would never have the answers. He had lost his eldest son and would raise his son's son as his own. Troian came down the stairs after putting Jamie to bed for a nap. She stopped by his desk.

"I loved him but he didn't love me. At least, he didn't love me enough. He never trusted that I loved him. I don't know if I will ever be able to say to you that I love you, but I do care for you, and I will be a good and faithful wife if you will let me. It's all up to you now."

That night, Troian offered to move her things to a different bedroom. Ben refused. His answer was gruff. "You're my wife. You'll sleep in my bed." If Troian thought anything was settled though, his behavior let her know it was far from settled. In bed, he turned his back to her and said nothing. She could have been in the next room or the next town for as much as Ben communicated with her over the next few days. Gradually, he began to talk to her of necessary things and then of more mundane things, but there was no kissing, no hugging, no intimacy.

The unlikely marriage counselor was Hoss. Ben finally questioned Hoss about Adam and the two discussed the situation for the first and only time.

"Adam knew she was with child when he left and he knew that child was his, didn't he?"

"He didn't know then. She never told him. He suspected as much though after I wrote and told him she was having a baby, but by then you was married and there was nothing he could do."

"How could he stay away then? How could he walk away from his own child?"

"What could he do? He couldn't tell you. He was going to lay it all out for you to stop you from marrying her but was afraid that you would feel humiliated and feel like a fool. He was still considering doing it and then you up and told him she was maybe the last chance you had to be happy. You said you had been lonely for twenty years and finally there was a woman who was willing to fill that space in your life. When you met in the city, you said you were willing to raise her child as your own to keep her and wouldn't let anyone come between you and her."

"But if I had known about them, I would have stepped aside so that Adam would marry her and raise his son."

"That's it, Pa. He didn't love her. He wasn't sure he could marry up with her. He figured the best thing to do was to leave to let you be happy even if he couldn't be. She told him that she cared for you and would be a faithful wife to you. He figured it was the best deal even if it wasn't a good thing for him to do probably. He knows that. When he found out about the child, he was really torn, but it was too late to do anything else. He's hurting about it yet, but he didn't know what else to do. Still don't. He talked to me about it, and I couldn't tell him what to do neither. He made a big sacrifice for you to be happy. I only hope you appreciate it."

That night, without saying anything special, Ben reached for Troian when they were in bed. She tentatively responded and the two made love again. From then on, they were a couple once again even if there would always be a shadow over their marriage. Much of that dissolved as Jamie got old enough to call Ben his Papa. When he did that, Ben's heart softened a great deal as he realized that being a father was much more than fathering a child biologically even though that was important. Having that child grow in your heart was more important.

That took some time to happen. Meanwhile there were other surprises first for Ben and for his younger sons. When Hoss and Joe met Adam in Sacramento, they were both happy that he was still in the country but surprised at his appearance.

"Ya done growed a beard. Heck, I hardly recognized ya."

"That's the point of it all and glad to hear that it works so well."

Both Hoss and Joe immediately understood. The full beard hid the classic lips and the dimples. It camouflaged the shape of the face and actually made his darker skin look a bit lighter in contrast somehow. No one looking at his appearance at that point would see the resemblance to Jamie that was so obvious when Adam didn't have the beard.

"I wasn't sure you had grown a beard or only forgot to shave for a couple of days. I know how fast you sprout whiskers." Joe giggled at his own joke but both Hoss and Adam did smile at least. There was a lot of truth in what Joe had said. Then they got serious for all three knew too that what Adam had done made it even less likely that anyone outside the family was ever going to uncover Jamie's secret. That was all the more reinforced with more news from Adam.

"I'm going to be gone for awhile. I've had some offers to do some work in other countries. I'm not sure which offer to take right now but I do know that I'm going to take one or the other."

"Where's the work?" Hoss had to ask and he knew Joe would take a little time to get used to the idea that Adam was actually going to leave because Joe had been holding onto the hope that somehow Adam would find a way to come back to the Ponderosa.

"One is in England and would be a combination of teaching and some on site supervision. The other is in Australia and is a construction position with buildings in the city of Sydney and then mines out in their backcountry."

"And which way ya leaning?"

"I don't know. Both have their attractions. It's been nice coming home after a day of work without hurting somewhere and then waking up stiff in the morning only knowing some other part was going to hurt worse by the end of that day."

"But ya always said ya wanted to build things."

"Yes, and building things is what the other one is all about although it is a longer commitment and it's further away. Communication could be an issue too."

"Well, then, maybe ya ought to take the first one."

"No, I think you pushed me in the right direction with your questions. I think I'll take the construction one. It's more what I dreamed of doing even though I'll be gone five years at least."

"Five years!" Joe's voice almost squeaked because it was so high with that question.

"Yes, you won't have to put up with me for at least that long. It's the time commitment I have to make to get the job, and then there's travel so it will be longer. Tell Pa I'll come home someday. Tell him I'm happy enough with my choices."

"Adam, you can't expect me and Hoss to tell Pa something like this. You need to tell him."

"He's expecting it. I let him know the last time we talked that I would be leaving. We said our goodbyes then." There was nothing more to say. The brothers hugged and said their farewells extracting that promise again from Adam that he would come home eventually. Then he was gone and they were left to carry the news home to their father.


End file.
